Hover,
Circle, or Land
Helicopter parents seem to hover everywhere, on the news, in
the schools, and around the community playground. Are you a helicopter parent?
Most of us would deny the label. If we hover, some say we spoil our children.
In many cases, I would agree. In other instances, hovering isn’t a bad thing.
Parents might hover, circle, or land the chopper. Let’s talk about when.
When to Hover
Modern terminology defines “hovering” as not moving out of
the way, smothering our children, so they aren’t free to solve their own
problems. That is true; helicopters certainly have the flying ability to hover.
Hovering also means remaining in the air in one place, holding your ground, being
very calm, assured of your position, not budging. Sometimes our children are
out of their depth and need us to intercede for them. As parents, our children
need us to hold our ground.
We adopted Vonn when he was nearly ten years old. His
learning problems were obvious, although at the time, we didn’t know the Dyspraxia
diagnosis. His handwriting was one symptom. Odd shaped letters scrawled across
his page, with no spacing between the words, or between the lines. A
fifth-grade assignment required the students put notes on three-by-five cards.
I told the teacher, “He can’t even confine his name to a
three-by-five card.” It didn’t matter. All the students would
write on and turn in cards. Vonn imploded. I told his teacher, “You asked him
to walk up the wall and across the ceiling. He can’t do it; not that he won’t
do it.”
We had just moved from Ohio to Indiana so I took him back to
Dayton for Educational testing. We needed an unbiased summary of his abilities.
The first line of the report was the best. “You misunderstand; you will provide
for this child.”
Vonn could not have done it himself. Testing is an issue
between the parents and the school system. Like a helicopter, I had to hover
over the situation until accomplished. I just had to remain calm and assertive,
polite not aggressive, and hold my ground. The school would create a Plan, an
Individualized Educational Program (IEP), for him based on the test results.
We need
to hover when we can say yes to this
statement —
The issue is
between the school and me.
When to Circle
Other times, an issue between the teacher and parent,
requires the parent’s intercession. When the problem is a result of the child’s
behavior and the parent has additional knowledge of the situation, the parent
must circle the whirlybird and flying low.
My mother didn’t drive, so she was never at school on my
behalf, not even the first day. The one exception: my parents were there at musicals
I participated in at the end of the year. Was she involved? You bet ya. She was
there during the Landing stage.
A classic example of Circling would involve my nephew, Neil.
He had a childhood illness at the same time his fourth grade history project
was due. The completed project waited on the dining room table until he
returned to school. Handing it in when the spots were gone, however, would make
the project late. His mother, Donna, taught in the same school system so she
took it into the teacher on her way to work. Mr. Somebody, blitzed while
counting lunch money and taking in book orders for the Book Fair, waved his
hand in the direction of the tall file cabinet on the back wall. “Thanks. Just
put it back there for me, please.” When report cards came out, Neil’s History
grade was low with an asterisk coded, “Missing History Project.” Donna went
back to talk to the teacher.
Mr. Somebody did not believe anyone handed in Neil’s project.
After all, Neil was sick. So Donna circled the chopper and flew back to the
file cabinet, didn’t touch anything, but pointed out the homework, now buried
under other papers and books. Mr. Somebody grudgingly gave Neil credit but
still marked it “late” with a percentage off. Donna could not convince him of the
unfairness, so she wrote a rebuttal to the grade and had the paper placed in
Neil’s permanent record and in the
teacher’s personnel file. Neil could not have done it himself. He wasn’t even in
school that day. Only his mother could circle the field and intercede since she
was the one who knew what had happened.
We need
to circle, when we can say yes to
this statement —
The issue is
between the teacher and me.
When to Land
We become the obnoxious, negative helicopter parent when we
intercede in a situation that does not involve us. When I taught school in New
Mexico after graduating from NMSU, all of the students knew if they got into hot
water at school, they would be in equal trouble at home. (1) Education was
important. (2) Parents expected their children to grow up, accept their own
punishment, and solve their own problems.
My husband, Bill, reared by his grandparents, rarely had adult
intervention at school. Gramma assumed he would do his homework and if he didn’t,
the consequences were his, not hers. Gramma did help when asked. When Bill’s Math
teacher lowered his grade because he used an incorrect problem solving process,
Gramma simply said, “They do it different now. Pay attention.”
Children today have entitlement issues. They believe they
are entitled to receive special treatment; they deserve privileges. Add to that,
a bipolar disorder permeating our school children. On the up side, parents want
their sons and daughters to get good grades and hand in all their homework. On
the down side, the parents may do their homework for them, which the student
interprets as, “I’m not capable.” Parents need to coach their children to become
good students by helping them to learn-to-learn. Parents aren’t to intervene at
school to protect their child from work. They are to intervene at home to help
their children learn to be responsible.
A parent may say, “Susie is twelve years old. She should
know how to manage her time and get her homework done.” Susie may be twelve,
but she doesn’t yet know how to study. So, do you say, “Oh well, too bad, so
sad.” Or, do you train her?
There will be many instances in which our children grow
unevenly. They may be twenty-five before they learn how to tell time on an
analog clock. Fractions may finally soak in for Jason, the famous artist, when
he starts using decimals and fractions in the creation of the exquisite frames
he makes for the paintings. Mike teases people to the point friends begin to
think he is a buffoon. When he decides to run for city council, he makes a
decision to change his behavior with others. “He is old enough he should know
how to talk to people.” That’s right…he should, but he doesn’t. My motto is:
“What you do not
naturally do, you must deliberately do.”
A child
isn’t old enough to recognize the need to change their behavior, so the parents
must train them.
A popular,
fun loving boy was failing in middle school. He said he couldn’t get to his
locker in time and was late for each class. That caused both discipline and
academic problems. His mom reminded him he was physically strong, so he should carry
all pre-lunch textbooks and papers with him. Then, switch them out at lunch for
the afternoon load. He also said he couldn’t get his homework done because he didn’t
have the discipline to build habits required for study. “Okay,” someone
suggested, “each evening during your favorite TV program or electronic game,
when it gets really exciting, stop what you’re doing, go into your room and
move a shoe from one side of your bedroom to the other. When he asked, “Why?”
The answer was, “No reason, just prove you can do it.”
After a few weeks of shoe-moving every night, he felt that
he could conquer the world. He stuck to the promised he made. During the next
grading period, he was on the honors list.
We need to land the helicopter when we can say yes to the
statement —
The issue is
between my child and me.
There are times to hover, times to cover, and times to land
at home. The choice is yours. The winner, based, on the choices you as a parent
make, is your child.
Doris Gaines
Rapp, Ph.D.
Copyright
2020 Doris Gaines Rapp
@DorisRapp
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